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Jaden-Kun, The Imagi-Knight
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| So... |
[14 Jul 2006|08:44am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Ayumi Hamasaki - Seasons |
] |
There's this guy at work... who I thought was kind of cute...
Today, after work, we got to talking... I ended up talking to him about many things at first... nothing too descript, though... Mostly about his own depression and drug use... I try not to see people for their addictions, because I have my own to deal with. Far be it for me to look down on anyone for using a substance to help them get by...
Then, I ended up buying beer for him. He's 20, so he's gotta wait a bit.
Then he got to talking about the women who fucked him over. He was talking to Daniel at that point. He then said that he could understand how guys "went gay" after the things he's gone through with women.
I paused in the middle of drinking my soda, staring from him to Daniel with a bit of a "Did he just say what I think he just said?" look on my face.
Now... no straight man would ever consider such things if they weren't already having such feelings.... that's what I've always believed.
At least, he would probably be Bi.
Then he asked me if I WAS gay. I confirmed it, and then he basically poured his heart out, talking about his past girlfriends who screwed him over. Pretty sad stuff...
Then he mentioned that he MAY be interested in trying out "the other side".
"Other side".... Nice way of putting it....
Then he even said that if he decided to try, that I seemed like a cool guy who knew what men have to go through... and that i myself, knew what it was like to have my heart broken.
You have NO idea... was all I could say...
In a way... I was intrigued... This guy is cute... and also, really seems like a good person...
But there's a bit of precaution to be added to anyone who thinks their sexuality can be changed like clothing... THAT much, I feel, is adamant...
I'm not sure what I should do...
Or... is this what they call "flirting"?
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| Battling the addictions |
[13 Jul 2006|12:31am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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D.N.Angel - White Night, True Light |
] |
Welp, fighting with my smoking habit is going to be a lot harder than fighting my drinking habit. No beer tonight, but I've found myself sifting through ashtrays for half-smoked cigarettes. the good news is, I've only smoked the equivalent of one cigarette today.
I've also decided to only drink when I'm not working the next day.... it'll just make things easier for me since I'm already on the ropes for calling out on Sunday. Now I've gotta find a way to make up for it. Maybe I can ask the closing server if he/she wants to switch off. That would give me more tips, and more money for the apartment. Mike hasn't said much about it. I think i'm going to call and ask about it tomorrow, just to make sure everything's going smoothly. Plus I need to ask Mike about the details with getting the electric switched over.
D.N.Angel's turning out to be an even better series than I hoped! :3 And Dark.... *droooooool* Ah, why can't I find a guy like that IRL? :P I'm trying to finish at least the 3rd DVD tonight before I go to bed. I wanna be able to watch the whole series on Val's big-screen plasma T.V. with surround sound. XD In between episodes, I'm checking the Revolutionary Academy board, hoping for someone to continue the threads I'm involved in... *sigh* BBS RPs move WAY too slow for my tastes... but his one's a great board, so I don't mind AS much....
Ya know... I also saw the first two series of Utena at Best Buy. The Student Council series WITH the movie was like, $25 and the Black Rose series was around $35. I didn't see the Sex Car series, though... I REALLY love that series, so I'll definitely have to snatch it up when I get the extra funds...
I talked to my Dad today, who wished me a happy birthday. He wants me to come up and visit him for a couple of days. I told him I'd see what I could do. Because the way my schedule works, it'd be really hard to squeeze in... not to mention the fact that I really couldn't afford missing any shifts now...
I need to refill my phone and call Gran... I haven't talked to her in a month, and I'm sure she probably already knows what happened with me and Spider... I hope she's not too worried...
I guess that's all that happening right now... back to Dar... uhm... D.N.Angel. :P
Later!
(And yes, I'm addicted to the opening song. :P)
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| Tipsy's a Mommy! :D |
[12 Jul 2006|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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DNAngel - White Night, True Light |
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Val's cat, Tipsy, just had a litter of 5 kittens! Noone was expecting this! :D They're so tiny! Four are solid black in color, and the other is patterned black and white just like its mom! :3
I'm a bit worried, though. There's Ash, the male cat, and I'm assuming at this point, the father. What was it I read somewhere about needing to keep the father away from the kittens for a while? Or even altogether?
Then there's Shady, the German Shepherd puppy... she likes to chew on EVERYTHING.
I think that Shady should probably be kept outside until the kittens are at least more than a mouthful....
Anyone? Some advice here?
Hehehe... Andy says they were probably born last night. We have the same B-day! XD
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| HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! |
[11 Jul 2006|09:54pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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Ayumi Hamasaki - Free and Easy |
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This year, I got:
Two special-edition cell-phone wallpapers created by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) merisua! I now have wallpaper of Terra and Locke from FF6, plus a REALLY kawaii one of Locke, Sabin and Edgar in a group hug! XD I love the cheesy grin on Sabin's face! XD
Icing-loaded cupcakes and $60 in Best Buy gift certificates from Val and Andy. Which I then used to buy the entire series of DNAngel, the first new anime I've bought in YEARS!!! XD They also gave me a $15 Kroger card for smokes and beer. And as I said last night, it will be my last binge drinkfest for a while, and my last pack of smokes EVER.
"Happy B-days" from my mom, sister, and many friends. :3
Altogether, this has probably been one of the best birthdays I've had in recent years. :3 Thanks to everyone who wished me Happy B-day! :3 It's time for me to get drunk and watch DNAngel! XD
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK MOOOOOOOOOUSYYYYYYYYYYY.....
Later! :D
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| It's coming... |
[10 Jul 2006|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Rammstein - Du Hast |
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Yup.... as of tomorrow, I will no longer be a 25-year-old virgin...
I'll be a 26-year-old virgin.... ><
Yup... tomorrow's my birthday... and the funny part is, I didn't even remember that until about 4 or 5 days ago...
I'm not looking forward to anything on it... as far as I'm concerned, it's just another day of boring.
I figure, if anything... maybe I can make it into a turning point. My ONE resolution: STOP. FUCKING. SMOKING. You stupid, masochistic JACKASS!!! >< Even when your chest hurts THIS much, you keep puffin away! ><
But, I figure tomorrow I'll make it my last day. And no more wussin' out this time...
Ya know... I think that Kelson may be a bad influence on me. I mean, I like him... he's fun to hang with most of the time, and even though his atheism often clashes with my own religious beliefs, I still think he's a generally good guy.
But... every time I hang out with him, he keeps me up till 10 in the fucking morning. ><
And since he drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney, I often end up finding myself doing the same thing. Which wouldn't really be too much of a problem if it were only once a week or so... But I usually end up hanging with him 2-3 times a week.
I got so exhausted that yesterday, I faked sick and called in to work.
And he was the one who kept trying to convince me that I should... He really pissed me off with it, too... Don't. fucking. Push me. Okay?
I dunno... I think I'm just gonna hafta cut our hang-out days down to once per week.... and use the other days to catch up on my rest...
>< I just hope he doesn't get mad about it.
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| Whoah.... |
[08 Jul 2006|05:28am] |
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Coldplay - The Scientist |
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Upon the mention of the Marquis de Sade from my friend arzach_kunikida, I looked into it on Wikipedia.
That guy.... had to be FUCKED up....
My thoughts are overwhelming me right now....
I think it's because of the story I'm trying to write....
I REALLY wanna write it.... I REALLY do.... I wanna see this story made into a game.... or man, even a NOVEL....
I probably sound asinine in considering a novel to be less than a video game... But I want people to read it... So should I just write it... and be content to have it written?
I don't think I'd be satisfied with that... but... maybe I can... i don't know.... I've already gone over it with other people.... MAYBE I can do it...
................ What should I do?
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| Giving In |
[03 Jul 2006|05:19am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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Adema - Giving In |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVrtoupTENo
The video is "Giving In" by Adema. It an AWESOME video that visualizes addiction. Go watch it...
Or hate yourself NOW! :P
I dunno... I REALLY love this video... It was so exquisitely executed.
I have some addiction problems myself. Among them: Drinking and Smoking.
Which is why i love how the director of this vid personified "Drinking". A woman in a glass case that's slowly filling up, then the guy is in there with her, and when it's over, he's the one who's trying to get out of the glass case.
Then there's "Smoking". The way the video plays, there's a lovely blonde woman, who seems fine, and everything, but then she's all burnt and ashy.
But I think that the blonde chick herself may have represented "Addiction", by herself, which is why you can see her all over the video.
Then there's the addiction to Sex. A guy pushing his affections onto a beautiful woman, when she's not too sure about it, and also the fact that he actually didn't get any satisfaction out of it, as was proven in the scene where he started to throw shit. People often look to sex as a "way out" or just a way to "feel better". But when all's said and done, the same issues are still there...
/rant
Just go watch the video, people. It's awesome...
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| Grrrrrr... |
[01 Jul 2006|04:38am] |
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mood |
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stressed |
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Asian Kung-Fu Generation - Re-write |
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I am getting SO sick of this computer constantly crashing. >< And it's always when I'm in the middle of reading an uber-long post! ><
I'm starting to feel really tense... mostly because I know I'm getting close to moving into the apartment. It looks like Monday's the day. Mike and I are going to the apartment offices and try to smooth out the details and get this ball rolling. Mike says we should be in by Mid-July. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm making the right decision. Yes, I want to get my own place and room, but Mike has some "habits".
One is talking at length about NOTHING. I'm up for a good chat as much as anyone... but Mike's a bit... slow. I think as long as I'm able to get some time to myself every now and again, i should be fine.
Second, Mike is a user. He's mentioned before that he's done cocaine, and he is often on the lookout for other kinds of drugs. Now, from what I understand, coke is REALLY fucking hard to break... but, he says that he's got a handle on it and will always pay the bills first. As long as he holds true to that and doesn't try to make me do it, I'm fine.
In other news, I think I'm going to take the video camera I wanted off of layaway and get the money back, so I can get on a cell phone plan. I have lots of people I want to call, but my prepaid piece-of-shit phone doesn't let me talk to them NEARLY enough. I figure at this point in my life, keeping my connection lines open, or re-opening them in some cases, would be more practical than spending that money on a dream that may never happen without even MORE money on college. -_-;; Besides, once things get stable again, I can put another one on layaway, right? It just means I have to postpone it a little longer. :(
That and I also noticed that Andy and Val have a camcorder... so maybe they'd let me borrow it sometime. :3 If I can figure out how to make my music videos on THAT, then, if they don't ever use it, maybe they'll let me buy it off them for much less than $300. :S
At any rate, wish me luck on Monday, and when I get my phone, I'll hafta send the number to you guys. :) Seeya later!
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| Just remember: You can't spell crap without R-A-P. |
[28 Jun 2006|06:29am] |
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Velocity Girl - Sorry Again |
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jaykun711: uuuugghghh... why do people who have never even LIVED in a city think they can relate to rap? ><
jaykun711: Like... GANGSTA rap....? ><
Kula: Um.
Kula: I have no idea.
Kula: I -did- live in the city and I think it's junk.
Kula: OOOH!! I got it!
jaykun711: We live in the middle of the butt-fucking SOUTH!!!! ><
jaykun711: Why is this shit on everyone's radio!?!?
jaykun711: Hrm?
Kula: Because they are just like gangsta rappers; thinking they are so much more than they couldeverr be and looking for attention in all the wrong places.
jaykun711: Now THAT is an intelligent theory. :3
jaykun711: *goes to put in his LJ*
Kula: It's the only theory I have on it. I mean, seriously. How do you glorify having a gangsta lifestyle when your bank account makes Trump want to borrow some cash?
Kula: You're not living on the edge of anything but your leather sof.
Kula: sofa.
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| Sobriety is overrated. |
[27 Jun 2006|06:34am] |
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Fort Minor - Where'd You Go? |
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I swear, if it weren't bad for my health to drink every night, that's probably what I'd do. I'm bored out of my mind, it takes more effort for me to write, things don't really appeal to me and I'm more prone to panic attacks. But, I think I was getting a bit dehydrated, so, none for me tonight.
Luckily for me, my metabolism has once again proven it's prowess. I'm still skinny as all hell...
And, I smoke less when I don't drink, so there's another plus.
I really do need to quit both, the smoking especially...
The drinking, I will probably never stop completely until I have no friends who drink. The other thing I've noticed is that I'm a lot more sociable when I drink, so there goes the shyness that prevents me from making friends in the first place.
I need a hobby. But, then again, hobbies cost money... I could stick to drawing or writing, but I rarely feel like doing THOSE things, either...
Great... I AM depressed...
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| Pimping Garakuta |
[26 Jun 2006|09:17pm] |
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 enthralled |
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s-CRY-ed - Reckless Fire |
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http://f58.aaa.livedoor.jp/~garakuta/frame.html
This is a fanart site with THE most KICKASS Final Fantasy fanart I've EVER seen! I wish i read Japanese so I could see who the artist is!
Go. See. Now.
If you are a Final Fantasy/Kingdom Hearts/Square-Enix fan and you haven't seen this artwork, begin hating yourself. Just a small taste of what I found there:
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| Prayers for Valerie |
[26 Jun 2006|06:34am] |
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Belly - Feed the Tree |
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Okay... time to come clean.
I'm worried about Valerie.
Just in the time I've known her, I know that she's been popping pills... Loratab... Tylenol PM... Xanax.
I've been on Xanax back when I was going through "therapy". Just seemed like they were trying to pump me full of pills... And I think many doctors have said that Xanax is highly addictive. And Loratabs? They're suppose to be some kind of pain-killer for physical pain, right? If she has a subscription for it... then what kind of PHYSICAL pain is she in? And she's stealing things and trying to sell them on eBay... really SMALL shit like a set of lingerie.... She says they need the money... Moral implications of stealing aside, I give her money all the time... she asks for this and she asks for that. I willingly give it to her because she tells me that they can't pay the bills... But then she asks for more... At this point, it's cutting into my own apartment savings... She says she'll reimburse me... but... it doesn't happen...
I think Val is a VERY nice girl... she'd have had to be to take in a stray dog like me... but now, I'm worried about her health...
Today she overslept. I tried to wake her up for an hour and a half by rapping on her door and calling to her. No effect. Maybe she's just a deep sleeper and i wasn't being loud enough... I don't know...
I COULD have been louder... but I know her husband, Andy, was sleeping also at the time, and i was just trying to get VAL to wake up without pissing HIM off in the process...
And I don't know what to do... my situation is delicate... if I say something wrong... I risk ending up back on the streets... I'd be fine with that if it meant that Val's stress would lessen. It's nothing I haven't been through before...
I don't know what to do... So, will you guys pray for her? Any help or advice would also be appreciated... Thank you.
Dear God, I ask you for your help with my friend, Valerie.
I don't know why she's so sad, but I feel like her sadness has made her turn to harmful things for comfort.
Please help her overcome her pain and free herself from her addictions. I think she deserves to be happy for showing such concern towards one such as myself. If there's something I can do to assist, then please let me know what it is.
In your name, Amen
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| Awwww... damn you Ash1ar!!! |
[26 Jun 2006|02:08am] |
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mood |
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Tatu Dangerous and Moving |
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I died in the Dungeon of JadenkunI was killed in an abandoned oubliette by Ash1ar the dragon, whilst carrying... a Figurine of Rainbowwisher, the Shield of Anime, the Shield of Joecartoons, the Axe of Chinese Food, the Armour of Snowqueene, a Figurine of Marissahedgie, the Sword of Pop, the Wand of Kassyd and 94 gold pieces. Score: 97 Explore the Dungeon of Jadenkun and try to beat this score, or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon... |
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| Scary Isolation |
[24 Jun 2006|07:13am] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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Tatu - Scream Fly Dream |
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Well, I went to Kel's last night... we had some talks about things...
Ya know, we even got into a conversation about the idea of a "electron smasher". And we ended up theorizing about that idea. I mean, an atom is comprised of a proton, a neutron, and an elctron, according to science, so if they made something capable of destroying an electron, which is bascically the outer wall of an atom, what would happen to the protons and neutrons?
But, I digress...
One of me and Kelson's main arguements consists of the theological debate about a "master plan". Now me, I always believe that there is some kind of a reason for everything that has happened to me. I never considered myself "abused"...
But... that doesn't change the fact that I generally felt "Ignored".
Neglect, right?
In a sense, I WAS neglected.... In every way. Like whatever I felt really had no bearing on anything or anyone around me... but, nothing so severe that I ended up starving to death or something like that. I saw what was happening around me, and I thought: This is what is happening around me... I'd better learn to fend for myself QUICK!
.... This.... was never something I saw as abnormal... it's just what happened....
And that's how I learned to become self-reliant.... I wonder if I haven't become self-absorbed in the process...
...... I don't know.....
But Kelson told me about what HE went through as a kid... and... I mean... THAT guy has some SERIOUS pain...
I wanna help him... but I don't even feel like I CAN, because my own pain is something much more abstract....
What should I do?
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| Perfect Enemy |
[24 Jun 2006|07:00am] |
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scared |
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Perfect Enemy - Tatu |
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I loved this song even when I heard the Russian version, and I love it even more now that it's been translated.
"Perfect Enemy" (Novaya Model)
by Tatu (Taty)
Why should I welcome
Your domination
Why should I listen
To explanations
I'm not pretending
To make it simple
Try to be something
Experimental
You don't turn me off
I will never fail
Things I loved before,
Are not for sale
Keep yourself away
Far away from me
I forever stay
Your perfect enemy
No longer waiting
Remove illusions
No more complaining
Forget confusion
No more confession
Not sentimental
I am now something
Experimental
You don't turn me off
I will never fail
Things I loved before,
Are not for sale
Keep yourself away
Far away from me
I forever stay
Your perfect enemy
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| ............. |
[22 Jun 2006|05:57am] |
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Better than Ezra - At the Stars |
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.........
................
.......................
To Sherri: I apologize for all of the aggravation that I have put you through because of my own short-comings. I can only now imagine the sheer frustration you felt when you saw someone you said "could do so much more", seemed to keep getting hung up on the stupidest shit.
.............I don't want to put anyone on the spot, and since I know that noone else associated with him drops by here, than I can at least be honest with my own feelings about him in my own journal.
He annoys the living PISS outta me. Mostly because I feel he is doing the EXACT SAME shit that drove me into a mental home 3 times in a row. Reading too far into things.
This guy is a NICE guy. Especially since any of my best friends will tell you that just putting up with my sarcastic wit for an HOUR... is an accomplishment.
I'm a very abrasive person... I realize. I will nudge and push and SCRAPE at the things that people put around them as defense mechanisms because I feel like it is THOSE things that really hold us all back. And I'm guilty of those same mechanisms myself.
I keep saying it's the similarity. That this person uses the same mechanisms I used to because I had the same outlook at one point. Then there's the other part that says: This kid is full of SHIT if he thinks noone can see through that crap.
And I'm STILL trying to figure out why i should even GIVE a damn about the affairs of a stranger... but... hell... I guess that's how quickly I can get attached to people...
I dunno...
Piss off...
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| In misunderstandings and blow-outs. |
[20 Jun 2006|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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ATC - Mistake Number Two |
] |
Welp, last night was a real shit-fest.
I had a small blow-out with one of my friends. Now, we were all playing some Super Smash Bros. over at Kelson's and joking around and shit, then me and Daniel start ribbing on each other. Now, Daniel has a nasty habit of ALWAYS using they "gay" comment in his comebacks. I'm fine with that. I figure if I can't take THAT, then I don't need to be hanging out with people anyway. But last night he took it TOO far.
I at some point ended up calling him a "fucking asshole", then he turns it around and says: "I may be a fucking asshole, but at least I don't like to fuck assholes."
RAGE.
I didn't say a single word and proceeded to make him my bitch for the next round, stalking and hunting him down no matter where he went. And after I took his last man from him, I said: "Don't you EVER make a crack like that to me again!" It must have shown how pissed off I was. Kel even said my face and ears were red. We finish the match and I leave for a smoke. I fucking needed one at that point. The next half an hour consisted of Kelson trying to get me to calm down, Daniel giving what I felt was an insincere apology, and then saying he didn't want to talk about it.
I finally managed to let it go for then. We went back in and played some more games before everyone else decided to hit some X and tripped out for the rest of the night. Being the most straight-edged one of the bunch and sticking to beer, I will admit it was fun to watch. Toward the end of the night, or morning, I should rather say, I was having fun speaking in Japanese "Reno-style", adding "zotto" to the end of everything and playing cell-phone "text-tag".
I am, at this point, worried that this means Daniel will stop trying to joke around with me, period. He still doesn't get how he crossed the line with that one.
These past 3 weeks have been like one long, never-ending party. It's weird. This is the most I've hung out with people... like... ever. Even with last night's drama, it's been a blast.
I do think I may need to tone it down a bit. :P
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| The dangers of social interaction. |
[17 Jun 2006|06:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
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music |
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Seether ft. Amy Lee - Broken |
] |
Welp, sorry I've been gone for the past couple 'o days. I decided to take a break since my my previous internet conversations have gotten me sucked into awkward situations about webcams and naval hair.
For the record: I'm ALWAYS aware of what people are asking of me. If I seem naive, it's because I don't want to go there. It pisses me off when someone doesn't pick up on that. Anyone who knows me in person knows that I'm very easy to read. I guess it doesn't translate as well online.
Man... whatever... I DID have a fair warning that things were going sour. So I guess that part is my fault...
But NEVER underestimate me, and never question my actions or you will be up WAY past your bedtime.
Looking at the conversation now... my messenger may have crashed and I mistook it for silence... Who knows?
............ Okay.... anger gone.
Back in the REAL WORLD: Hung out over at Kelson's these past couple of days. I like hanging out over at Kelson's. Kelson, Daniel, Yolanda, Ivy... They're cool people, even though Yodie's rather reclusive and Ivy's only 5. I ESPECIALLY love my arguements with Kelson because we can argue about things without either of us getting REALLY pissed off at each other. It's like I can say "No, I think you're wrong", and he'll state his case clearly and he's not all angry about it. So, we end up staying up til' 7 or 8 in the morning because we'll just keep going back and forth. I really enjoy it, even when I get frustrated. I also FINALLY got the opportunity to show off my music video. Everyone says it's good. :3 I'm not used to hanging out with people like this.... it makes me wonder what the catch is... That was what our last conversation was about. They tried to reassure me that there are no ulterior motives... But I still find myself wondering...
I've also found another roomate. He's a guy I work with. He seems like a really hard worker and is genuinely SERIOUS about us getting an apartment together. Now... I just hope we can pull it off. In the meantime, I'm just trying to make myself useful in whatever way I can with housework and not being a burden to Val or her husband.
Now, it's crunch-time.I gotta save up $90 to pay for the deposit and application fee. I should be able to get that much together if I have good tippers tomorrow. If not, I can call in some favors on pay day to make sure I can get it. Then, all i have to worry about is getting together the first $310 for the first month's rent.
My mom said she was gonna co-sign for us. I'm trying to tell Mike that she's rather unreliable on ANYTHING. But he's pretty... what's the word... insistent.
Beh... I'm too tired to contemplate this shit anymore.... Good night.
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| For those who do not understand |
[14 Jun 2006|05:20am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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Banya - Maria |
] |
1: I Identify myself as a homosexual man. This means that I am attracted to other people of my own gender.
2: When I realized that men like me are often viewed as "less than men" It SEVERELY pissed me off.
3: The REAL thing that pisses me off about the first two facts is that men like me are considered "gay". The usual terminolgy for that signifies that men like me are generally happy and upbeat. WRONG. I wouldn't wish what I am upon my worst enemy.
4: The other things that piss me off is that we are considered "less than men". For most straight men, that means "women", at best. Now, without getting into the gender/strength issue; I have NEVER considered myself a woman. At least if I was a woman, I could justify what I felt. Me? I identify as a man.
5: The other thing that pisses me off about my identity as a gay man is the negative stereotypes attached to it. People often identify with being "gay" as being sexually promiscuous. WRONG. I'm 25 years old and never had a boyfriend because I adhere to my moral standards. I also have never been with another man because THAT's how much I loved the person I got closest to. I will always feel like I am betraying him becuase I truthfully gave my heart to him. This makes me feel resentment towards those who are more comfortable with it.
6: Another thing that pisses me off: The lack of faith. I believe in God. And that he made me this way for a reason. I may never know why until I reach the end of my life. But if I AM indeed an abomination, then I hope by adhering to these moral standards, then I will not be punished to eternal pain, but at the very most... I can just ask for sleep.
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